What is it?
Apparently, it’s food. More to the point, it’s food that human beings from planet Earth can eat. Even more to the point, it’s a weird rubbery thing encasing a vaguely cheese-like filling. I’ve seen things you humans would not believe, attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, but this … ‘thing’, this awful, awful ‘thing’ takes the whole biscuit barrel.
Surely you can’t be serious?
Yes, I am, and don’t call me Shirley. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the chiller cabinet, the cheesy bean puff pastry slice will leap out at you and rip out your tastebuds. Be afraid, be very afraid …
The packaging is in green because we all know that ‘green’ is good for us and as this is ‘vegetarian’, it’s doubly good for us. I see trouble ahead and Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas any more. Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be a bumpy ride. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.
I love the smell of napalm in the morning but this ‘slice’ of food smells awful while being microwaved, like the stench of a damned dirty ape trying to put his stinkin’ paws on me. Look, if Sainsbury’s are to offer lunchtime snacks for hungry office workers, they can’t expect us to have professional kitchens in our place of work can they? (unless of course, we happen to be professional chefs but then, what would we be doing eating this pile of monkey crap in the first place?). I’m King of the World and if I want to microwave puff pastry, I will.
After two minutes, the lightning struck the large metallic rod on top of my private laboratory and I cried out in joyful anguish as sparks surged through it’s brown, lifeless body. “It’s alive! It’s aaaaliiiiive”, I cried, sinking to my knees. After a period of inactivity, I poked it with my finger. It didn’t move. Houston, we have a problem. Oh well, I’ll just eat it then.
Tasting: The Truth, You Can’t Handle The Truth
When I walked back to my desk, I certainly didn’t hear anyone say, “I’ll have what she’s having”, and why would they? I’m male, for a start, and this foodal abomination is about as appetizing as a human liver served with some fava beans and a nice chianti. I didn’t want to draw any more attention to myself, and while I have always depended on the kindness of strangers, I wasn’t not taking no chances here whatsoever (ha ha, work THAT one out).
Like all of Sainsbury’s other ‘puff pastry’ snacks, they don’t microwave very well. I WILL concede that point but the filling should still be good, shouldn’t it? But, after three mouthfuls, I still haven’t reached anything but soggy, rubbery pastry. Finally, one third into this ‘snack’, I hit upon something that could be charitably described as .. cheesy and maybe, just maybe, if I squint a bit, a bit bean-like. This coulda’ had class, it coulda’ been a contender, it coulda’ been something, instead it’s like a giraffe’s bum, which is what it is. It’s dreadful, awful, foul, disgusting, putrid, rancid, I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more. I’d rather have a box of chocolates, at least you don’t know what you’re gonna’ get, so says my Ma’.
I still eat it all or else it’s wasting. Mmmm, oooh, mmmm, quite nice in the end (I’m kidding! It was bad .. very bad, but, well, nobody’s perfect). It repeats on me all afternoon too so at least I’m getting my money’s worth. There’s nothing better than tasting recycled food for a third, fourth or even fifth. Burp. Sixth time now, thank you Sainsbury’s. And that massive bout of stomach acid that’s gonna melt right through the hull? That’s a sign of a good meal that is.
Greed, for lack of a better word, is good
Would you believe this containied 526 calories? Or that it also has 30.2g of fat per 180g slice? You do now. It also contains 25.2% of the GDA for salt and a whopping 70.5% of the GDA of saturated man fat. Sheez, I need to lie down. Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death and yet, I still wouldn’t eat this again. Well, not without a small push anyway.
The ingredients contain, amongst other things, fatty acids, hydroxypropyl methyl cellulose, baked beans, cheese and salt. Lovely.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain’t heard nothin’ yet
That’s 99 pence I’ll never see again, except swirling round the toilet bowl. You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you punk? If you haven’t eaten one of these, then yes, you are one lucky punk. As my stomach said to my brain, “Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into”. Indeed.
PS
For a laugh, and heaven knows we need one, I’ve put more than 25 movie references into this review. See if you can spot them all … there’s no prize for the first person to name them …
Update 12th July 2012:
Thanks to John below for his observation on the new packaging employed by Sainsbury’s. Not good Mr Saino’s, not good at all.
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Since this review Sainsbury’s have now changed the packaging from green to red. A red which is coincidentally exactly the same shade as the red used on the nutritional information ‘traffic light’ wheel. The effect being that when you now look at it the one green segments stands out as apposed to the 4/5 that are red. Still tasty though.
Thanks for the update John. I find that very cynical of Sainsbury’s to do that. I’ve found the new packaging and attached it to the review. You’re absolutely right too; they’ve gone for a kind of tartan effect so the nutrition wheel is almost hidden – except for the green segment.